R.A.W.P.B.P. : Revisions to Academic Writing from the Past Blog Post

Original (from Spring 2009):

Several things contributed to fall of the medieval lifestyle in Western Europe.  The first major blow to medieval order came about because of secularization.  Secularization is when a society detaches itself from a close affiliation to a particular religion.  In the centuries leading up to the early 1700s the people of Western Europe lost faith in Catholic Church for many reasons.  One such reason was the Churches corruption, for example; the practice of selling Indulgences.  Indulgences are pardons granted by the Church to decrease time in purgatory.  Another thing that really hurt the Church was the power of interpretation brought on by the printing press and Martin Luther.  Martin Luther translated the bible and made it readily available for the masses who before relied on the Churches interpretations.  Once the bible was translated from Latin and put into print people were able to read it for themselves.  Obviously this led to numerous different interpretations of the content and exact meaning of the words within the book.  Once people were able to decide the meanings for themselves they could disagree with the Church.  No one had ever been able to argue with the Church about its religious teachings before.  From this we see Christianity break into many different sects.  The strongest and most note worthy of these was the Protestant Reformation.  The Lutherans and Calvinists were important as well.  Protestantism was started by Martin Luther (1483-1546).  The Protestants attacked Roman Catholic doctrine, denied the Popes authority, and drew away massive numbers of followers.  Other things that contributed to the Church losing support and followers were events such as the Great Schism (1378 to 1417); when three men claimed to be the true Pope, and the English Reformation; when in the 16^th century England denounced the Catholic Church and the Pope, then founded the Church of England.  Lastly, the Scientific Revolution and the increased value placed on thought and reason replaced religious ideals.  This was all important because once the Catholic Church was separated from the political power and influence it enjoyed during its heyday in medieval society nations and powerful monarchies started could arise.

Revised (from Spring 2011):

The fall of the medieval lifestyle in Western Europe was contributed to by several different elements.  Secularization brought on the first major blow to medieval order.  Secularization is when a society detaches itself from a close affiliation to a particular religion.  In the centuries leading up to the early 1700s the people of Western Europe lost faith in Catholic Church for many reasons.  One reason was the Churches corruption, for example; the practice of selling Indulgences.  Indulgences are pardons granted by the Church to decrease time in purgatory.  Another thing that really hurt the Church was the power of interpretation, brought on by the printing press and Martin Luther.  Martin Luther translated the bible and made it readily available for the masses who before relied on the Churches interpretations.  Once the bible was translated from Latin and put into print people were able to read it for themselves.  Obviously this led to numerous different interpretations of the content and exact meaning of the words within the book– people could disagree with the Church.  No one had ever been able to argue with the Church about its religious teachings before.  From this, Christianity breaks into many different sects.  The strongest and most note worthy of these was the Protestant Reformation.  The Lutherans and Calvinists were important as well.  Protestantism was started by Martin Luther (1483-1546).  The Protestants attacked Roman Catholic doctrine, denied the Popes authority, and drew away massive numbers of followers.  Other things that contributed to the Church losing support and followers were events such as the Great Schism (1378 to 1417); when three men claimed to be the true Pope, and the English Reformation; when in the 16^th century England denounced the Catholic Church and the Pope, then founded the Church of England.  Lastly, the Scientific Revolution and the increased value placed on thought and reason replaced religious ideals.  This was all important because once the Catholic Church was separated from the political power and influence it enjoyed during its heyday in medieval society nations and powerful monarchies could arise.

Explanation (of Revisions):

ALTHOUGH I WROTE IT WHEN I WAS A SOPHMORE, this paper is still good writing.  This paper, ALTHOUGH I WROTE IT WHEN I WAS A SOPHMORE, is still good writing.  This paper is still good writing, ALTHOUGH I WROTE IT WHEN I WAS A SOPHMORE.  Right off the bat I made two significant revisions to this piece of my writing.  I switched the order of both of the first two sentences (for different reasons).  In the first sentence I changed the order to introduce the subject quicker.  In the second sentence I changed the order to avoid ending one sentence with secularization and then starting the next (the third) sentence with the secularization again.  The next grammatical change I made to my paragraph was to combine two sentences with a dash: “Obviously this led to numerous different interpretations of the content and exact meaning of the words within the book– people could disagree with the Church.”  I did this to emphasize the key point; that people could disagree with the church.  The last two changes I made were more minor; I deleted the typo ”started” from the last sentence and then I added a few commas where they were needed.

My question: Why is ‘despite’ not one of the AAAWWUBBIS? Also, is this okay: "One such reason was the Churches corruption, for example; the practice of selling Indulgences"? I am unsure about the comma/semi-colon use together.